Skinny Pics

...And She Lived Happily Ever After

2010-08-10T10:43:00.004-04:00

Hi there.

I feel like I need to reintroduce myself. It's been that long... and I'm... I'm different now.

I'll start from the beginning, I guess. Or I'll start from the summer of 2006. I can admit this now: I never had a miscarriage. In fact, other than here (meaning, this blog), I never claimed to anyone else to have had one, not even to my ex-boyfriend (you'll have to wait until later for that story). So why would I claim such a terrible thing? In retrospect, I think I was looking for an "out." A way to escape, to stop, to stop the hell of living with an eating disorder. Also in retrospect, this seems strange, because no one on the internet really cares that much: I didn't actually need an excuse for anyone. Maybe I just needed an excuse for myself...

At that point, almost four years ago, I was doing ok, health-wise. I still thought about my body weight, my body shape, food that I ate/ was going to eat/ would avoid eating, and exerciseecerciseexercise. Ok, the truth: I thought about it a lot. Pretty much all the time. Lots of negative self-talk, negative self-esteem, too. But I wasn't too hard core. Even if my mind was pretty messed up, I was taking not-horrible care of my physical body. Not great... but not horrible.

So, back in the stone age, or the summer and autumn of 2006 and into 2007, I got to thinking. I got to thinking about how the hell was I going to sustain all of it. I mean, just keeping the site up to my standards was taking a lot of time. Writing down everything I ate was taking a lot of time. Exercising compulsively was taking a lot of time. Was this... it for me? Going to work, coming home, going to the gym, sitting in front of my computer while my (ex-)boyfriend sat in front of his, wasting the evening away, then going to sleep hoping for a better tomorrow... and doing it again the next day. And again. Mix in a few weeks of depression, a few weeks of hard-core restricting now and then, maybe a few hours of happiness here and there. And then I got to thinking about where and what my life was, where and what my life was going to be. Was I a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend? Did I have any friends left? Was I proud of the woman I was? Who the hell was I?!

No. There had to be something else out there for me. But what? And how would I ever get the courage to find it?

The Universe helped me out, big time; I have serious karmic debt to this one, not-so-chance event in my life. My (ex)boyfriend and I had both been having problems, personal problems and problems in our relationship. We'd been together seven years (seven years! that's practically married!). One day, my (ex)boyfriend acted strangely. Very strangely. Very quiet. Very withdrawn.

I asked him, "Do you want to break up with me?"

He said yes.

I'd always thought I'd give that answer, but to a very different question, a happy question that he'd ask. He never asked. I never had the chance to say "yes." I'm very thankful for that. That break-up was a figurative "make it or break it" moment in my life. Either I was going to slide completely into depression, give in completely to my ED, just give up, start watching the clock tick past the days of my life until I died. I'd say, "Fuck it," and that would be it. Or else... something else.

Something else.

I went to a counselor. I told her, "I'm not stupid. Don't try therapy with me. I am paying you to sit there while I sit here, once a week, and I will report to you how I've taken care of my body and mind for the past week. I need someone to hold me accountable." I went to her four weeks in a row. Every week, I reported to her that

I WAS DOING IT!

I was eating! I was making healthy choices! I was saying "YES YES YES!!!" to life, to freedom, to BEATING this MOTHERFUCKER once and for ALL! I was taking walks in the morning, bike rides in the afternoon, eating when I was hungry and stopping when I was full! I was caring for my body in a way I'd never thought was justified. I never thought I deserved to be treated well. I heard the words "Self Care" for the first time. They changed my life.

On the fourth week, she gave me a spare business card, requested that I carry it with me at all times, and told me that it was my choice if I wanted to come back the following week... but that she thought it was time to take the training wheels off the bicycle and to see how I would do on my own. (I wrote her a follow-up message to her several months ago, thanking her for trusting me, insanely letting go an eating disordered patient after a month, even when I didn't trust myself, and for empowering me to care for myself, instead of delegating it to a "paid professional." There are angels, healing hearts, bodhisattvas everywhere, if you are willing to look for them.)

In the meantime, I realized that whooooops I actually didn't have any friends any more. So I randomly started calling acquaintances, making dates for wine or concerts or anything that would keep me busy. I was determined to have a life, something I hadn't had in years, due to my self-imposed house arrest (shit, I knew I should have put the ED on house arrest instead of myself!). Amazingly... it worked! Not only did I end up with a social life, I made some pretty good friends in that period right after the break up. I've since drifted apart from many of them, but I will never forget the role they played in making me feel accepted, cool, worthy of attention.

I dated. Oh yes, I went on dates. I had a little bud of confidence, like the first tender green shoots of March, and I worked it to the best of my ability. I flirted mercilessly. My colleagues set me up on blind dates. I collected phone numbers. Some guys never called back, but that made me a little tougher, which was a good thing. I never really slept around, but I did have some fun evenings (and nights). It kills my feminist heart to admit this, but men's appreciation of my body made me appreciate it even more. The essential femininity of my curves: better than Prozac.

I started a new hobby (I won't name it--that's getting a little too personal). It soon took up a large chunk of my time. It reconnected me with my love of the outdoors that I'd had since childhood but hadn't explored as an adult (the ex was a "city boy"). I enjoyed it so much that I started teaching it! This helped me to a community, one that I think will outlast the first friends I made right after the break-up.

And then, in that community... I met a guy. Just a simple guy. He was cute. He smiled a lot, too. Cute smile. I thought about him a lot. We were acquaintances for many months... then we started hanging out, just the two of us... all of our mutual friends gave each other knowing looks and sly winks... we pretended not to be interested, or not that interested... until one night, we stayed up all night making out on my couch.

That simple guy and I are still together, somewhere around two years later. Our relationship is easy and happy in a way that my relationship with the ex never was, and never could be. We travel together, we have adventures, we talk about our dreams. I have learned so much from him. He's a great friend. Someday he'll make a great husband and a great father.

I would say that my life today does not resemble at all my life four years ago, when I wrote my last entry. But that's not true. You see, I believe that you never really lose yourself. She might be a little lost, maybe a little faded and maybe a little jaded. Maybe she's buried under 50 extra pounds, maybe she's buried under your 500 calorie daily diet, maybe she's buried under the memories of your abuse or your tears or your fear and maybe, if you're lucky, she's under your anger.

And you should be angry. You should be really fucking angry. You should be FUCKING FURIOUS that companies make millions off your misery. Why? EVERY FUCKING ADVERTISEMENT YOU SEE IS A LIE. And that goes for most of the illusions of the fashion industry, too! Companies convince you that your eyelashes aren't lush enough, so you must buy mascara to look like the woman in the advertisement. Their glossy ads show a woman with stick-straight, glossy hair; your hair does not look like that. You want to look like that woman, right? You must buy a hair straightener and special shampoo and special conditioner and special gels and potions. And of course, the women in the advertisements don't have curves. Their clothing never pinches around their waist. They have space between their thighs. And you know the sick irony? Those eyelashes, that straight hair, that space between the thighs: it's fake. It's photoshoped. You've been had: joke's on you. YOU ARE STRIVING TOWARD A MIRAGE, NOT REALITY. YOU are the one that pays companies for their products. YOU are the one who pays in your lost self-esteem.

Men and women of my generation, the longer you starve, the longer you hate yourself, the more energy and effort you spend on dieting and compulsive exercising and binging and purging and hating yourself, the less energy you have to CARE. And while we're all worrying about whether we've got the right toys, the right "look," the right "edge," whether we're "ana" enough, whether we're worthy enough... we're not changing the world.

We're not paying attention to corporate greed and corporate thieves, to the frighteningly combative and ignorant political climate, to our bleeding and dying Mother Earth. If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention, because you're too distracted by your eating disorder to notice that shit's sorta gone to hell in a handbasket while you're freaking out about the 50 calorie vegetable soup you had for dinner. If that's too politically progressive for you, try this one: if you're spending energy coming up with 10 new ways to hide your b/p habit, you can no longer spend that energy on your parents, your siblings, your girlfriends and guy pals, your schoolwork or your career, your partner or your spouse, your spiritual development or your personal development.

Anyway.

If you asked me how I finally quit the ED, I don't know what I'd say. I never was inpatient specifically for ED-NOS. I didn't really have a treatment plan. The counselor I saw--only four times--was a specialist in family issues and life transitions, not eating disorders!

It's not as simple as saying that I wanted to live for myself, because it's not only about me. I want to put my energy into something real, something bigger than myself. I've got only a few short years on this little tiny rock in the great big universe. There's gotta be something more than being eating disordered... I mean, that's so random, so trivial, so tragic, so short-sighted. But at the same time, I do want to live for myself. I hope for happiness, to be proud of who I am and who I'm becoming, to enjoy being in my own company.

I guess quitting the ED went something like this: I just stopped. Suddenly, and of my own free will, I decided to recover. There have been plenty of times that I've slipped up, or nearly slipped up, and I'm sure there will be times to come. I had to relearn--hell, who am I kidding, I had to learn--how to take care of myself, what a 2,000 calorie diet looks and tastes like, what it means to have an active lifestyle but not be a slave to the gym. I had to completely rebuild my self-esteem and self-confidence from the ground up. I had to figure out how to become a fully functional adult. Duuuude... this shit is not easy! But, seriously, simply stopping was 95% of the struggle. I'll probably work on the last 5% for the rest of my life, but I'll take those odds.

The reason that I'm writing this post is that I signed into my old email account, on a whim. I had a bunch of messages in there from people wondering how my story turned out. I heard curiosity, maybe a bit of morbid curiosity, but I thought I sensed something more hopeful, too. Everyone loves a happy ending. Does my story have a happy ending? If my story has a happy ending, could yours?

I don't have any sage wisdom or good advice to give you. In the end, you've got to figure it out for yourself. The lessons we figure out for ourselves are the only ones that stick for longer than a New Year's Resolution. Good luck. My heart goes with you. May all beings, including you, be happy and safe.

POST-SCRIPT: How could I forget?! So, as it turns out, I don't have bi-polar disorder. Maybe I never did. I stopped the birth-control I had been using (Depo-Provera = pretty nasty stuff, messes with your moods BIG TIME) and got the super-depressive ex-boyfriend out of the picture completely (he started using drugs; I told him to delete my number from his phone). I went off my meds in early 2007 and haven't taken anything besides an occasional ibuprophen and a glass of wine ever since.

It's been a while...

2006-11-02T16:41:00.000-05:00

Yep, it's been a while since I posted. Since I've gotten lots of nice comments from people over the last few weeks, I figure I owe it to you to explain my absence.

"The Event" in August really messed me up. I never realized how much I want to be a mother. Part of me feels so guilty, and in some ways, I feel responsible, even though I know it's not my fault and it probably couldn't have been prevented.

Consequently, I've sort of stayed away from the ED world, including this blog. I don't know what I'm going to do with it. I might start updating again tomorrow, I might wait until next year, I might never update again, or I might delete this blog entirely. I haven't decided.

I'm just sort of floating at the moment.

So, there's your explanation. As always, feel free to email me--I might not respond right away (see explanation above), but please know that I do read all of the emails that I get :-)

My favorite

2006-09-10T09:40:00.000-04:00

Monique Olsen:

Sorry I still haven't had time to write much. Hopefully things will calm down soon. I'm doing ok.

Quickie

2006-09-07T16:44:00.000-04:00

WHEW I've been busy. Lots of stuff happening, both at work and at home. Sorry I didn't update yesterday. Today is going to be brief, too.

I'm doing ok. Weight hasn't changed--a few pounds fell off seemingly overnight, now the number isn't going anywhere. Body fat percentage has come down a bit, I'm at 18.0-18.5% now.

Ava Smith: I don't know much about her. The second photo is way triggering, though.

Ok, now I gotta run... I have a therapist appointment tonight. Hope it goes well.

Three things

2006-09-05T16:50:00.000-04:00

First, I want to clarify about commenting v. posting. If you want to email me, please do! I love getting email, and I love getting feedback on my blog (positive or negative!). I just ask that if you have a comment about one of the photos, like, "OMG she's sooo skinny," please post that in the comments section. It's just a little difficult to check my email because new mail has arrived, only to find that it's a random comment that should have been posted here.

Second, FOOD PORN! Sorry, got a little excited there. Not yet. BUT I'm hoping that the next edition of Cascata's Kitchen: The ED Cookbook will have food porny photos of all of the dishes! I had the brilliant idea as I was cooking yesterday. The final results looked so nice, I didn't want to eat (so I didn't ;-). I figured that seeing photos of the dishes might inspire you to actually eat a little tiny something healthy. Either that, or you can just drool. Anyway, it will take a while to make all of the dishes, so it might be the edition after the next edition.

Third, today is going ok. I still have some cals banked so I can eat something for dinner. That's good, because I have a meeting at work today, and I need to be sharp. Unfortunately, I don't have time to go to the gym. Also, I picked a new goal date: Sept. 24th. I want to be back at 120 by then. I'm not beating myself up for gaining (see post on August 29th), but it's time to get back in gear. We'll see how it goes!

Today's beauty is Jeisa Chiminazzo. Haven't featured her in a while. WOW. That's all I got!

Finally, Jeisa before she made it big:

Quite a difference, no?

Out of control

2006-09-04T16:21:00.000-04:00

My life feels so out of control. Even something as simple as trying to figure out where and how to keep a journal is overwhelming me. I can keep it at this forum; I can keep it at that forum; I can do it in this blog; I can keep a hard-copy; I can send emails to myself. WTF. Why are simple things like this so difficult? Simple and difficult shouldn't go together.

Plus, I think I'm spending too much time on the computer. This weekend alone it's been hours. I should be doing something useful with my life. Damn it, with the education I've had, I'm wasting the most productive years of my life.

And the thing that sucks the most is that I have no community to support me, probably because I spend so much f*cking time on the computer. I don't even have an ED forum that feels like "home." I used to love RGP, those days are over. I post regularly at six forums, but still, none of them feel ok. I just need to suck it up and stop visiting some of them... put down roots at one. I don't know.

My brain is just swimming. Plus, the days are getting shorter, and I can already begin to feel my moods shifting within me.

~~Oh, and Blogger is being a bitch, which means that I can't upload photos. I'll edit this post later.~~ The feature of the day is Anastassia Khozzisova.

I'm hungry; I'll drink green tea

2006-09-03T15:36:00.000-04:00

Hunger is the worst part of working out. For me, working out is such an appetite stimulant. I would consider taking diet pills, simply to curb the hunger I get after exercising.

But since I think that taking diet pills is a waste of time and money, I'm drinking green tea. My boyfriend said to me this morning, "Maybe the reason I'm so thin is that I'm drinking a lot of green tea these days... isn't that the stuff in a lot of diet pills?" My brain said, "Bingo!" Caffeine is an appetite suppressant (again, for me, I don't know about other people), so if there's something else in there that helps ladies in Asia stay so thin, then I'm all for it.

As an aside, he really is thin, and he is losing weight. This concerns me, because he has digestive problems... plus, he looks scary when he's really skinny. And I get really jealous (I hate to admit that).

Trouble is, it's gross. I miss my Diet Coke (Coke Zero, to be exact).

On to our feature of the day: Olga Serova. She shoots GREAT editorials, but her runway photos are "eh." The first three photos are from supermodels.nl. The last photo is from Aquascutum, fall 2006.

Have I mentioned that green tea is gross?

Another random thought: I have indeed lost at least two pounds, probably three. I never believe the scale until I see the same number several days in a row. My bf% has also dropped a point... I'm steady at a fatty 19%.

Oh rainy day

2006-09-02T11:15:00.000-04:00

Not "Oh Happy Day," "Oh Rainy Day." We've got the remnants of Tropical Whatever Ernesto sitting right above us at the moment, and it's raining like the Ark is going to make a comeback. Of course, my motivation to go to the gym is seriously dampened by the rain (pun intended). I hate rainy days.

This morning, I made a food journal, and I'd like to share it with you-all. It's got space for everything that I need (intake, activities, progress toward goal), but I decided to throw in a few extra things, namely a list of resources and a space for motivation. Write in a triggering quote, something that happened that motivated you, paste a photo that inspires you, whatever. The point is that you should spend some time on the journal every day 1) to keep yourself motivated and 2) to keep yourself out of the kitchen.

I'd really appreciate feedback on it... are there things that you'd like to see added? Taken away?

Oh, and before I forget, here's the link. I'm going to keep all of the downloads together from now on (so this means Cascata's Kitchen: The ED Cookbook, the food journal, and whatever else I cook up... God, my puns are terrible... or buns... because I haven't lifted my legs in a while... oh I'm such a nut case!).

On to today's photos! The lovely Iselin Stiero has the BEST legs in the business. I could drool over them all day long.

Nice stomach, no? I bet you can see veins... gross, but triggering...

And here she is at Chloe for Spring 2006...

I haven't been lifting at the gym, just cardio, but she may have changed my mind about that plan...

No gym?

2006-09-01T18:49:00.000-04:00

I need someone to tell me to get my ass to the gym today. Oh wait, I can just listen to the nagging in my head.

Elena Sudakova is a former rhythmic gymnast and current model. She has one of those long, twisty, flexi-bendy bodies.

From her thread at TheFashionSpot...

From Supermodels.nl....

And finally, a photo of her from her gymnast days.

P.S. I've lost two pounds... I have exactly nineteen to my goal weight. My FINAL goal weight... yeah right, until I get there and decide that another five won't hurt.

More skinny pics!

2006-08-31T20:10:00.000-04:00

Hey! I just uploaded about another 200 pics... Check 'em out.

"And after a week of fighting...

2006-08-31T17:45:00.000-04:00

...more and more, it seems the right thing."

"Do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it!"

--Me and Mia, by Ted Leo & The Pharmacists

That's an awesome song. Right now, I'm feeling the first verse up there (And after a week of fighting/ more and more, it seems the right thing) to be quite profound. It's true. When you restrict after a period of binging, it's only the first few days that are difficult. You need to keep that in mind. If you can make it through just the first week or even five days, you're set. You're back.

I haven't mentioned MK in a while. She is just as thin now as she was when she had an "eating disorder." I don't have any recent photos; well, I do, but I haven't filed them on my computer yet.

Anyway, I've always loved this somewhat rare photo. Look at her arm! Look at Ashley's flat front! She has no boobs, her waist is so small, she's like a board. Such a triggering image.
Ah, and then there's this pic. One of my favorites. Look at her arm... I would seriously do very bad things in order to get arms like that.

And here's one more of her looking cute.

I have to say, even though she's still very thin, she's no longer a trigger. She dresses to make herself look unattractive... she's just not edgy enough to pull off the look that she's going for. She's Michelle Tanner, for crying out loud.

Off to therapy session... did you know that my counselor doesn't know about the ED? Isn't that hilarous? I haven't found a way to bring it up... "So, you know how I'm bipolar? Well, that's not even the worst part..."

Vlada... blada

2006-08-30T19:47:00.000-04:00

Today was a good day. I had a long talk with an old high school friend of mine. It took my mind off everything. Then, I went to the gym and did forty-five minutes of good, hard cardio. I smell like armpits now :-P Also, my stomach isn't bothering me. Finally, my boyfriend and I decided that tonight should be a "veg out" night, so I actually have time to make a post!

I was at supermodels.nl, and I noticed that a whole BUNCH of the photos of Vlada Roslyakova (a model, obviously) were 'shopped to make her look thinner than she is. I wasted mucho mucho time finding all of the ones that could be possibly fake, then wasted even more time tracking down the originals and proving them true or false. It's absolutely freakish that she is so thin in some of her REAL photos that she actually looks photoshopped! I've collected them all on a separate website here. Put your cursor over the image to see the original (the side-by-side comparison of The Hall of Shame doesn't work, because a lot of the enhancements are very subtle).

Here are a few real photos of Vlada:

A dark place

2006-08-29T22:09:00.000-04:00

The last two weeks have not been good to me.

I had been having random binges since about the Fourth of July weekend. My weight was ok, but then suddenly around the beginning of August, I put on about 8 pounds seemingly overnight.

On Wednesday, August 16, I started bleeding. I went to Planned Parenthood (because usually I don't get a period), did a blood test, and I found out I had a miscarriage. I was probably about seven weeks pregnant.

So, right now I'm doing ok, considering the circumstances. I have an IUD, so it's not like I could have safely carried the kid anyway... it's probably the reason that it happened. Still, I'm shaken. What if the ED had something to do with it?

I'm probably going to erase this entry, because I'm not ready to deal with this... I just wanted to post an explanation for why I haven't posted in two weeks. I could really use a hug... comments on this post would be great.

[wanders off to cry for a while]

No Subject

2006-08-15T20:58:00.000-04:00

How am I doing today? I am doing sucky. Yesterday I burned 600 calories at the gym, today I didn't go at all. I am seeing my family in three days, and they're going to notice that I gained weight, which is 1,000,000 times worse than them noticing that I've lost.

At least I haven't binged in two days. Gotta start somewhere. Also, I still haven't started purging, and I do feel proud of that. Once you start purging, it's next to impossible to stop. The thing that cured it for me was moving in with my boyfriend into a two room apartment... no where to binge, no where to purge. Our apartment is bigger and I have more privacy now, but I still haven't started, and I'm happy about that.

Emina Cunmulaj for Micheal Kors Resort 2007

P.S. Someone wanted to know if my hit counter was accurate. I've got somewhere over 6,000 page loads, BUT the counter monitors the number of UNIQUE VISITORS, not the number of PAGE LOADS. I consider counting the number of page loads to be cheating... there was this one (really crappy) site I was on, everytime I clicked on a page and then returned to the home page, I noticed the hit count go up. It drove me crazy to think that I was making the (really crappy) site look more popular than it actually is. I haven't gone back there.

So, there's my random rant for the day!

Ooops.

2006-08-11T20:15:00.000-04:00

I binged today. It's just so hard to stay on track when you're exhausted. I'm going to write up a set of resolutions, and I'm going to do one until I master it, then another until I master it, and so on. The first one will be getting my ass into bed on time. When I'm tired, it's like my body is on auto-pilot... I literally am not at the wheel.

Let's see someone beautiful today. Colette Pechekhonova. She was featured on a lot of the old-school sites. I heard a rumor that she left modeling for treatment for an ED. She's great for reminding me that I'll never be beautiful. [kicks self in ass] and there's nothing I hate more than self-pity.

And this one is from Vogue Deutsch, May of 2001.

P.S. The other day, I forgot to say that I added a few new finds to the Hall of Shame. So, there I said it.

No Subject, at all

2006-08-10T16:52:00.000-04:00

Today's random photo is Maria Carla Boscono.

I'm on a model kick these days.

I have my first therapist appointment today. I don't know how it will go. She doesn't know about my ED. I don't think I'm going to tell her... yet... if at all.

Nothing new

2006-08-09T16:40:00.000-04:00

Things are going ok today. I got a lot of work done at work, which is good. My brain had been feeling sluggish for a while, but with enough caffeine, anything is possible.

And it SO bothers me that the "e" goes before the "i" in "caffeine." Why am I such a freak?

Caitriona Balfe is not a freak. She's gorgeous. I adore her arms. My arms used to be really small, except for this little blub that sits at the top of my inner upper arm. It's one of those bizarre places that my body tries to store fat (like I won't find it there or anything, ). The others are right below my belly button and the insides of my knees.

Anyway, here she is:

Later!

I made myself something!

2006-08-08T17:16:00.000-04:00

I've never been into the red bracelet idea. I never wear red, so it would clash like get-out, and I'd never want to wear it.

On a whim, I went to Micheal's and got some really pretty clear glass beads and made myself a purity bracelet. It serves the function of a red bracelet--to remind myself to stay pure.

Isn't it purdy? I really like it.

And here is today's entry. It's the first one I saw when I scrolled through Picasa. It'll do. I don't have the time to really search out something fantastic. Come to think of it, I really haven't had the time in a while. Oh well. Busy = not binging.

(Hana S.)

P.S. Something cool happened yesterday... I was wandering around the web, and I saw that someone had posted a photo from my photobucket site. It was a little bizarre.

Exhausted

2006-08-07T16:29:00.000-04:00

I am so friggin' tired today, I don't know what to write. I was gone this past weekend for a family function at the in-laws. As usual, I unconsciously gave myself "permission" to undo all of the hard work I had done over the past several weeks.

Today I got home from work and had a huge cookie, the kind that are actually two servings. 460 calories. Yes, I'm going to the gym tonight.

I apologize that I'm not coherent enough to write a proper entry. Maybe later tonight. After I hit "publish post," I'm off to bed for a nap.

(Shalom Harlow)

Head hurts

2006-08-02T08:16:00.000-04:00

I have a ridiculous head ache this morning. Maybe it's from the heat, maybe it's from the restricting, who knows.

Last night I almost binged... but I stopped myself! I really really wanted to, but 1) I haven't purged in, wow, like two years, and 2) my boyfriend was home so I couldn't purge even if I wanted to. I stopped myself after 300 calories (2 servings of tortilla chips and salsa). Before that, I had an ear of corn... but that was legit, because it was dinner. My total intake for the day was still pretty low.

Unfortunately, I didn't go to the gym, but every time I stepped out of the air conditioned study, I wanted to die. Today is supposed to be just as hot.

So, here I sit in bed, waiting for this damn headache to go away. Bleh. For once, I'd rather be at work. [stops and thinks] No, that's not true.

Kate Bosworth is damn skinny. Like, DAMN skinny. It's hilarous how people with EDs can often pick out other people with EDs... the concensus on her is that she has a problem. From one of the Superman events:

Look. At. Her. Legs.

P.S. Cookbook is almost done. Yay! Except now I keep tweaking it, making it better, etc. I could keep doing that for months, so eventually I'm going to have to cut myself off.

Some updates...

2006-08-01T21:47:00.000-04:00

I added a few more photos to the Hall of Shame. Check it out.

I also added a new photo album to the Wicked Skinny Pics Photobucket. Don't get too excited; once I categorize the photos, I'm going to move them all around to their proper places. But they're there, for now at least. I don't know when I'll get the time to organize them.

I also changed the footer in this template. Now it's all neat and uniform, just the way I like it. Not that you care about that.

P.S. Don't forget to read Why I Have an ED.

Ow.

2006-08-01T17:34:00.000-04:00

Cascata's Kitchen Cookbook is in the works. I hope to finish it this week.

I had too much to eat for dinner, and now my stomach HURRRTS. Probably 400 calories in one sitting. I feel like shit. As soon as this stomach ache wears off, I'm going to the gym.

Here are the photos for the day. Adina Fohlin. A.K.A. death on the runway.

I personally think she has an awesome body.

Genius idea

2006-07-31T17:05:00.000-04:00

I had the genius idea to write an ED cookbook. Smart, no? It will be nice to have a list of all of my safe foods and safe recipes in one place. I'm big on organization like that. I'll share it with y'all when it's all done.

I'm way confused by my new scale. It says that my body fat % is 16%, and I know that's not true. What I'm really interested in is watching the number go down, but I want to know what the real number is, as well. We'll see. I might bring it back.

Snejana says "hi."

"What's up." (At Anna Sui, S/S 2006)

"I'm a skinny bitch."

100th post!!

2006-07-30T14:19:00.000-04:00

In honor of the 100th post on this blog, I bought myself a digital scale with a body fat analyzer. It was the one rated highest by consumer reports, but I can tell already that it is underestimating measurements (for example, it says that I weight about 3 lbs less than I think I do, and my bf% is about 6-7% less than what I think it is). That doesn't matter too much, though, because the readings will be consistent, so I can see how I'm losing (and hopefully not gaining!).

In other awesome news, I figured out how to make lemon yoghurt popsicles that are SO good, just as good as ice cream, and they're only 75 cals. Because they're so cold, you have to eat them slowly, so it's highly unlikely that I would binge on them. Whooot!

I need to wake my bf up from his nap in a few minutes... then it's off to the gym!

Inguna Butane. I forget the show. Fall 2005 season. I want her ass (in a totally non-sexual way!).

Back on track!

2006-07-29T19:29:00.000-04:00

I weighed myself at the gym today. It was no better and no worse than I expected. A five pound gain over the course of exactly a month. I'm a stupid fuck-up for letting it happen, but I know I can lose it. I want it to be gone by next weekend when there is a big family gathering on my boyfriend's side of the family, but I know that even if the scale says it's gone, it's only water weight. The next goal time is when some of my extended family visits in late August, and I'll see them the weekend of the 19th. It's totally reasonable to lose the weight (plus a little bit) by then.

I've found that having deadlines really helps to keep me in line. Deadlines that involve photos being taken are even better. I love photography; well, I love taking photos. I'm less happy about having my photo taken. If I'm going to have my picture taken, I damn well better look good. And looking good involves being thin.

------------

In other ED news, I'm thinking of re-starting my ED journal. It's actually a little box with index cards in it. The cards are sorted by food journal, exercise log, inspiration, etc. At first I used a notebook, but not being able to re-order or re-sort the pages really drove me nuts. Using an index card box takes care of that. Yet I have all of my photo inspiration online, in my computer, and I have this blog for a journal. I don't like the idea of having the two separate projects going. I'm weird with stuff like that. Everything has to be COMPLETE and ORGANIZED. That probably means that I'll continue to use the online format, probably expanding the content.

-----------

On to the photo for the day. Avril Lavigne recently got married. I hope that she and her husband are very happy together, and that their marriage can endure in spite of the difficulties of maintaining a life in the public eye. She used to be a tomboy, but she has really blossomed into a beautiful young woman.

A very small beautiful young woman.

So tired + Zhang Ziyi

2006-07-27T16:53:00.000-04:00

This has been one of the busiest weeks ever. I actually have the desire to do more with this site, but I literally don't have enough time to eat or shower, so that sort of precludes expanding the site ;-)

For today, here is a teeny-tiny Asian actress, Zhang Ziyi. I think she was in 2046 as well as Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. No fair how small Asian women are.

No time!

2006-07-25T16:52:00.000-04:00

I'm really short on time today, so this will be a quick post!

I hope I haven't used this image before. I have no idea who she is. I've had this photo on my computer since my college years, probably at least four years ago. Her upper thighs and butt are perfect.

EDIT: Blogger is being a total bitch... I'll post the photo when I get back from class. Grrrrr.

EDIT AGAIN: Here it is.

Keira

2006-07-24T21:05:00.000-04:00

Finally getting back on track, thank God. It's such a relief. I went to the gym for the first time in a while... first my brain was all sorts of f*cked up, then I was on vacation. I feel like I'm alive again. The illusion of control is so strange when you're ED'ed. You're sure it's real.

Keira Knightley says she's not anorexic... even though her chest bones are popping out everywhere... and even though she has a family history of it... uh huh.

In some photos, she looks really tiny...

...in others, not so tiny (photos are from www.theskinnywebsite.com, by the way).

Finally, this article bugs me. I don't know why. I think it's because it takes all of the stereotypes about eating disorders and rolls them into one. Also, having 35 inch hips doesn't exclude you from having an ED.

Random runway

2006-07-22T16:56:00.000-04:00

I've always liked this photo. Sexy, attitude, but still pretty. The dress rocks, too.

Time to set straight a few things. I was reading through some of my old journals, and I discovered that my high weight was actually 137 lbs (during my sophmore year of college), not the 133 that I had thought. What can I say, I was in denial.

Also, when I set up the hit counter at the bottom of the page, I accidentally set it to record the number of page loads instead of unique visitors. So, this page has been loaded almost 5,500 times, but there have been 1,100 visitors.

Just to set the record straight.

Some legs...

2006-07-11T23:13:00.000-04:00

Usually Karolina Kurkova doesn't do it for me. Something about her nose, maybe her face in general. She looks really cute in this photo, though. Her legs are to die for.

I'm doing better these days. I've been having a serious problem binging at night. It's a bitch. Unfortunately, one of the meds that I have to take is an appetite stimulant. Usually, if I'm already in bed, I'm safe, but if I'm still up, it's like I'm on total auto-pilot... it's so frustrating. I wake up in the morning, remember the night before, and wish that I hadn't woken up at all.

Every day, though, I'm reigning myself in. It's incredible how quickly I fell off the wagon... but I've gotten back on a million time before. I know I can do it. Just a matter of time.

Trigger

2006-07-10T19:35:00.000-04:00

This has always been one of the most triggering photos EVER for me:

It's been a while...

2006-07-09T14:05:00.000-04:00

...whew, so it's been a while since I've posted. I was having some really rough times a few weeks ago, but I made it through. Hanging in there. One day at a time.

When I was really stressed out, I was doing so well at restricting. I was doing +/- 1300 cals per day, which is and always has been my ideal. Unfortunately, now that the pressure has eased up, I'm binging like crazy. Stupid. The past week has been ridiculous. I was out of town for a while, and one night I was so tired that I thought, "Oh well, a few tortilla chips doesn't mean anything." One week later, I've eaten peanut butter cups, tons of ice cream, more peanut butter cups and ice cream, candied ginger, Nerds candies, it's sick.

It's so true that when you stop restricting, you'll gain it all back, plus some.

Anyway, now that I've got my feet back under me, I'm going back to posting here. I honestly don't know if I can make it a daily occurrence, but at the very least, it will be every other day. Without further adieu...

Audrey Marnay is an old-school French model. She's über-tiny.

I'm sure you recognize this first photo:
Here's one more, for good measure.
Buh bye! :-D

Explanation

2006-06-18T19:16:00.000-04:00

I'm so alone in the world. My boyfriend is depressed, so when I am anything less than totally happy and chipper it upsets him. If he knew anything about what's going on with me, I can only imagine the problems it would cause. Also, I've got family issues to deal with... my sister... my parents... ugh. And this is really dumb, but we finally broke down and bought an air conditioner, and it's not working. It only worked one night. Which means I have to take it out of the window, take it back to the store, blah blah blah. Well, tonight is my first meeting with a new therapist, so hopefully she can give me some tips on how to cope.

I'm not going to write anymore... maybe I won't update this anymore... I don't know. Don't care.

Everything is blah

2006-06-18T19:14:00.000-04:00

I'm in a shitty mood today.
There's your picture. I don't feel like saying anything else.

HOT

2006-06-17T13:01:00.000-04:00

It is SO f*cking hot today. I'm wearing a sundress, not as nice as Ines's above. It's not too hot inside yet. Fortunately, my significant other and I bought an air conditioner this morning. I'm going to install it this evening. Hopefully we won't be as miserable this summer as last, which was the hottest June and July on record. I don't like hot weather because I have to wear less clothing, and I hate showing my body. Also, I hate being sweaty and stinky. Yuck. I'm certainly a Yankee gal.

Ok I'm not making any sense; let's blame it on the heat.

TGIF

2006-06-16T12:54:00.000-04:00

Natalia Vodianova, when she was really young... some people just have the good genes. [le sigh] In her case, it's at least 75% good genes. She currently looks AWESOME, even though she had a baby. Of course, she's not as small as she was, but to have a baby and look that good?!? It's not just a diet, a coke habit, or an ED. It's good genes.

Here's another of Natalia from the same show (don't ask me which one, I don't know)...

Thank f*cking God it's Friday. My legs are less sore today, so I can go to the gym... yay! I've been working on my legs, because (to me) they look like tree-trunks. I am starting to see a bit of a difference. It takes time.

I wish I didn't stop dancing.

Holy F*ck!

2006-06-15T15:54:00.000-04:00

Check out this girl's abs:
Her name is Danielle Hatuchova (am I spelling that right?). I don't know ANYTHING about her, other than she has a great stomach, great arms, great upper legs, and a small bust [insanely jealous]. Don't know her nationality, don't know her age, don't know if she's good or if she sucks, and I don't care. Tee hee.

I was planning on going to the gym today to work on my abs, but I'm so sore I'm having trouble getting up and down the stairs. There's no way I could go do the stair-master... I'd literally fall off. Of course, I'm freaking out about messing up my schedule, which is already a little messed up because I was sick. Oh well. If there was some magic pill that would make the pain go away, then I could work out. I just need to suck it up and work twice as hard tomorrow.

Bikinis

2006-06-14T15:41:00.000-04:00

Looks like Nicole Richie has gained... good for her. I think that she sort of admitted that she had a problem at one point, and she said that she was working with a nutritionist, psychiatrist, and someone else... anyway, I think she looks pretty damn good in the yellow bikini below (from around New Year's):
And this is her now (beginning of June):

She still looks great, but I think the girl in the black bikini looks better, maybe because she's taller. Also, the very tops of her thighs are like the same size as Nicole's. She's got a great stomach and a nice hourglass figure.

Today at the gym I'm working my legs and abs (again). Unfortunately, I didn't get to go yesterday, but then again, my day yesterday began at 6:45 am and went non-stop until 9:00 pm. I'm dedicated, but I'm human... anyway, I'm going to take a nap to refresh myself before I head to the gym for some ass-kicking, and then I've got ANOTHER work-related meeting tonight! Ahhh! It never ends!

Eyebrows

2006-06-13T15:30:00.000-04:00

I was at a conference yesterday, so I didn't get to post, but here is yesterday's post that I did on Monday night:

Let's talk about Darla Baker. Awesome bone structure, no? I love the fact that she can rock caterpillar eyebrows like they're goin' out of style... very few people can pull off big eyebrows. She is just so damn tiny. I mean, even if this photo is touched up a bit, she's gotta be pretty small in the first place in order to look this good.

Well, let's take a look at a candid...

As I suspected, she's tiny.

In other news, I'm definitely down three pounds over the last three and a half weeks. I've been sooo busy at work that it leaves me no time for eating. I'm proud of myself that I'm eating a "reasonable" amount (and still losing!). Also, and this is ridiculous and embarassing to say, but once you are restricting for a while, it gets easier. The first week is the toughest, physically and psychologically. After that, it's not easy, but if you're truly demented like me, it's not hard, either.

Ted Leo, Have My Babies

2006-06-12T16:37:00.000-04:00

I've been meaning to post about Ted Leo's song, "Me and Mia," for a while.

Ted Leo is a fantabulous musician... I don't even know where to begin with him. He rocks, he's political, intelligent, and creative, and he's written one of the best songs EVER about eating disorders. Either he has an ED or he is close to someone who does, because his words are so true... I've seen him perform live (WHOOOT! He's AWESOME!!) and he's fairly thin, but that doesn't mean anything. Whatever. Let's talk about the song, the chorus of which goes:

Do you believe in something beautiful?
Then GET UP AND BE IT!

Need I say more?

Go download "Me and Mia" from betterPropaganda... it's free!
If you want to read the lyrics as you listen to the song, check them out here.

Announcements!

2006-06-12T16:13:00.000-04:00

Wheee-hooo... bunch of updates to report today. I am feeling kinda sick still... I really could have made myself go to work, but I'm so friggin' burned out that I justified playing hookey today. Tomorrow is going to be another 7 am to 9.30 pm days... so I deserve the sleep.

1) In my free time today, instead of cooking, cleaning, reading, sewing, or any other activity that would redeem my miserable existence, I watermarked every image in my personal gallery and uploaded them ALL to photobucket. Yep, folks, that's 1,870 images, just for your enjoyment. I watermarked them because I'd like a little some credit for collecting them all into one place. They are for your PERSONAL enjoyment ONLY. Photographers and models make a living off this, so don't go make a profit off their work.

The link to The Wicked Skinny Pics Photobucket is in the links on the right side of the page.

2) I found another fake. The funny thing is that it's a photo of Vlada Roslyakova I've seen many times before--I had it in my library--but I had never stopped to really look at it. Once I did, I became very suspicious... and once I found another photo from the same show, my suspicions were confirmed. Who the hell thinks that Vlada isn't thin enough and therefore needs her thighs photoshopped? Sick motherf*cker. The fake and the original are posted in the Hall of Shame.

3) Andi Muise is the sweetest person in the world. She is so cute and little... not in a sick Vlada way... the first photo of her is beautiful (before you jump down my throat, yes, I know it's been digitally touched up, but I think that the artist did a beautiful job... unlike many touched up photos, she doesn't look like she's made out of plastic. Very artistic).

4) Final announcement, I promise. I have been spending WAAAY too much time on the computer, and I've got to cut myself off. It's really getting ridiculous. Therefore, I'm going to cut back to one photo post per day, and the photos will be taken from my existing library. With 1,870 photos, there's no reason for me to be looking for more. I'll also update my diet and workout schedule, but that's more for me than you.

This journal has been so incredibly helpful for me. Someone once said, "Purging thoughts onto the paper instead of feelings into the toilet... novel concept!" My ED hasn't gotten any better, if anything it's gotten worse, but my mind feels more at peace.

Legs legs legs

2006-06-11T14:54:00.000-04:00

This model has FANTASTIC legs. I'm such a sucker for skinny legs; her's are quite muscular, but I still like them. Also, they're closer to what mine look like. I've been working on mine for a while... but I'm very self-conscious about my thighs.

Image source: Getty Editorial (of course!)

So, if you've got an ED (with the exception of COE, probably) this blog will freak you out: Big Fat Blog. It's a "Fat Acceptance" blog. The author probably feels about me like I feel about him--ewwww. While I have no problem with fat people per se, I do have a problem with the general "I want to have my cake and eat it too" mentality. That is, if you are going to "live life to the fullest" and to have that second helping of cake, then you need to be prepared to order your clothes online because you are too fat to find clothes in the stores.

Fat acceptance advocates say that it's possible to be healthy and overweight, or even obese. Perhaps somewhere in America there is a 5'4'' 260 lb yoga instructor that can run the mile in half the time that I can. Surely she must exist. Yet she is certainly in the minority. I hate the "fat and healthy" excuse for disbelieving in things like a height-weight chart or a BMI calculation. Fine. There are some people who are fat and healthy. That does not hold true for the majority of fat Americans.

I think the bottom line is that I work damn hard to stay small in our incredibly toxic environment. That's my choice to work against the tide. If you want to live the standard American lifestyle, that's your choice, but you will never convince me that's "normal" or "healthy." F*ck political correctness. Americans are getting fatter, if you say the obesity epidemic is a myth you're in denial, and if you say that there isn't a connection between obesity and diabetes and heart disease then you're a lunatic. When it comes down to it, the human body was designed to function like a machine. If you can't walk easily, then you are not functioning correctly.

On a personal note, there are several morbidly obese people in my family, and this definitely influences my opinions about fat. Sitting at a family dinner and listening to my aunt bitch about her weight as she helps herself to a second helping makes me want to scream. You can't have it both ways.

[/end rant]

Hecho a mano

2006-06-10T14:44:00.000-04:00

Since I've been doing so much work with fake skinny pics, I thought I'd try my hand at doing my own, just to see how easy it is.

Well, let me tell you, it's EASY. This one below took me about one half hour. I used the crappy program that came with my digital camera. I have no photoshopping skills whatsoever, which is why she looks like a cartoon character. If I can make something that resembles a human being (albeit a cartoon character), what can a professional artist with a full Photoshop program do?

It's frighteningly easy.

Bummer = sorry

2006-06-10T13:29:00.000-04:00

Sorry for being such a poop-head the past couple of days, with the ugly girls and all. Today let's do someone who takes incredible photos... Gemma Ward. This is Dolce & Gabbana, RTW Spring/ Summer 2006.

I don't think that runway photos are retouched as much as print ads. Colors might be adjusted, skin might be smoothed out, but beyond that, I don't think much is done. That is, I don't think they're changing the shape of arms, legs, or tummies. In all of her backstage and runway pictures, Gemma looks basically like this (different hair, clothes, and make-up, of course). So this is what she really looks like. I.e. fantastic. Look at her legs. Damnit.

Photoshop 101

2006-06-09T23:51:00.000-04:00

I dug up a few more original, untouched photos to match some altered photos I had on my computer, and I've added them to the Hall of Shame. Check it out...

While I was wandering the world wide web, I came across some really interesting sites that show before, during, and after a photoshopping or touch-up job. It's absolutely incredible. You have got to check them out:

Greg Apodaca 1

Greg Apodaca 2

Retouch

NEW! FluidEffect

NEW! Glenn Feron

Blasphemy

2006-06-09T23:09:00.000-04:00

I know that some people will skewer me for this, but Kate Moss does nothing for me. She is quite unattractive. It's not even like she has a good body anymore.

Her skin is terrible.

And even in her best photos, she looks like the retarded little sister of Maria Carla Boscono.

You might say, "Well, that is now, she used to be much better." I disagree. Even at her prime, she was a snaggle-toothed short girl with an fugly face.

Yeah, I'm probably too harsh, but she gets paid five figures for a day's work, so I feel justified in my criticism.

So, those were the anti-skinny pics for the day. I'm in such a bitchy mood. TGIF... hopefully I can relax a bit this weekend. Also, when I go to the gym later today I'm going to weigh myself, I think I might be down 2 lbs but I need to confirm it before I believe it.

Oh, and I added three more photos to the Hall of Shame.

Retouch, please

2006-06-08T23:23:00.000-04:00

I featured Holly Hayden on April 13. She is a great example of a woman who takes AWESOME editorials but who looks terrible on the runway/ in person/ in polaroids. Knowing that the beauty of her photos is mostly computer generated makes her much less impressive in my eyes.

Gorgeous editorial:

Eh runway:
I'm home from work right now, because I feel like crap. I really need a vacation. I'm so burned out. Oh, and I have an appointment with a therapist on Monday (it's about time).

Also, I was thinking about family connections and eating disorders. My mom has "casually" mentioned that "on occasion" she would "make herself sick." My sister has COE (compulsive overeating disorder). Another of my aunts is/ was anorexic/ bulemic. And from what I understand, my grandmother ate next to nothing (she died years ago, but this was confirmed from multiple sources). I wonder if it's a nature or nuture issue. We all deal with stress in the same way--manipulating food.

Attitude!

2006-06-07T10:50:00.000-04:00

Since I posted a mega-rant as my daily post right before this, but then I thought I shouldn't disappoint, so I decided to do another post.

I love this photo. She has such attitude. Have you ever seen her walk? It's incredible. She screams, "Here I am!!!" And that deserves three exclamation marks.

She rocks so hard. In some ways I'm jealous, but I'm not afraid to admit that I wouldn't want to be her (I'd take her body, though). I have a quieter, more contemplative personality, I think. Or rather I act as if I have a quieter, more contemplative personality. I used to be quite shy, actually.

P.S. I added a new photo to the Hall of Shame, and I found some more that clearly are photoshopped. Once I track down the originals, I'll add them, too.

P.P.S. My calendar function is being a bitch, so I can't get updates to my diet & exercise log... I've gone down to 1700 cals now, and I think in another week I'll drop to 1600. Then I won't go any lower. Right.

On Breasts, Botox, and Big Macs

2006-06-07T09:35:00.000-04:00

A looooong free-write about feminism, the media, fashion, power, straight & gay sexuality, politics, capitalism, industrial agriculture, and eating disorders.

I think that every nutrition major writes a paper on the relationship between eating disorders and the media. The media puts pressure on girls to be thin, right? Now, if only we could get the media to show a diversity of body types, the problem would be solved, right? I don't think this issue is that simple. We know HOW the media "encourages" eating disorders... let's think about WHY.

If I have learned only one thing from my time working for "The Man," it is this: To hell with love. Money makes the world go 'round. Capitalism is a game in which the players acquire resources. Money is the means for relating unrelated resources, like a Versace dress to, say, a barrel of oil. The goal of capitalism is not to better society (although it can have that unintended or intended effect). The goal of capitalism is to make MONEY.

Western society is blessed and cursed with overabundance. In general, we have enough to eat. We go to school. Everyone has a car, everyone has a cell phone, and everyone has three different types of body lotion. There comes a point when we have it all--at which point, we have no need to buy anything.

This is a business man's worst nightmare. How to sell when no one needs to buy?!? Somehow consumers must be convinced that they need to BUY, and in order to do that, they need to be convinced that they do not have it all, and in fact, that they are missing something very important. But what happens if they actually acquire that very important thing? They must not be allowed to do so--otherwise they stop buying.

The only solution to the dilemma is to convince consumers that they need something that doesn't exist. Let's call it the (se)X factor.The X factor is the silky smooth skin of a model in an ad or the slender figure of the celebrity posing for a photo. It's the idea that people with fame, money, and beauty are better than you, even though you can't say exactly why. They've just got that "special something."

What if you could have that "special something?" How much would you be willing to pay to be famous? How far would you go to become beautiful? Would you buy something that could give you the X factor?

Statistically speaking, yes, you would buy it.

What you don't know is that celebrities and models don't have the X factor, either. They have $300/ hour personal trainers to give them hot legs, $500/ haircut hairdressers to give them the perfect "Rachel" cut, and $1,000/ day agents to get them the starring roles. They also have pimples, cellulite, broken marriages, and drug habits... all of which are easily airbrushed away.

In short, consumers continue throwing money into the black hole of Unilever's pocketbook, in the hopes that some day, the black hole will fill up with money so the consumer can stand on top of the money heap to show off her perfectly waxed legs.

The diet industry is an interesting example of this. Our government pours huuuge subsidies into various agricultural products, for example, corn and soybeans. Americans can eat only so much corn and soybeans, so some of the extra gets exported some gets turned into other products, like high-fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated oils. Sadly, only one tenth of one percent of the money spent by the Dept. of Agriculture for subsidizing and promoting food goes to fruit and vegetable subsidization and promotion.

Cheap high-fructose corn syrup and cheap hydrogenated oils make cheap cookies and chips. It also helps McDonald's to keep their food prices down. In order to avoid the toxic American diet, it sure helps to be wealthy (to afford healthy, unsubsidized food) and educated (to know why you should avoid it in the first place). For those who can't afford to purchase health, there are always diet pills (and in general, the less wealthy and less well educated are the most likely to fall for ridiculous diet claims, like lose twenty pounds in a week with 'Fat Burner Pro!').

In short, our diets have the deck stacked against us. It's tough to maintain a BMI of 20 when you're eating Burger King three times a week... but why wouldn't you eat the food that is plentiful, cheap, and very tasty? In this case, we can't (permanently) acquire the X factor (a slim body) until we remove ourselves from the chase-the-X-factor-with-the-latest-product game. There is no short cut. More calories expended than consumed = weight loss.

What does this have to do with feminism? Men, in addition to women, are influenced by the X factor. Our culture tells men that the women in their lives are inferior to a "quality product." Often, women fear that they are not pretty enough, lively enough, or thin enough to compete for a man's attention. The conflict is between a woman and "that bitch."

Feminism is the idea that men must respect women, women must respect men, and women must respect women. Conflict between women takes away our power in the world. Instead of advocating for the poor in our very own cities, we worry about lipstick. Instead of thinking about the fact that men get paid 33% more for the same job as women, we think about what shampoo to purchase. Instead of worrying about the state of education in our nation, we think about a nose job. What if we threw our make-up bags in a collective bonfire and joined together to exercise our power as women?

Feminism also respects a women's body, including the idea of breasts, buttocks, lower stomachs, and hips, all of the parts that are used for making new life. The "hottest young celebrities," and the ones most likely to inspire hero worship among girls and young women (think Lindsay Lohan, Mary-Kate Olsen, Hillary Duff, etc), are uniformly thin. When we strive for that ideal, we are denying our female nature, and we are ashamed of our gender and the hallmarks of it.

Sometimes even I am shocked by the ages of runway models. Fifteen. Fourteen. Seventeen. Fifteen. Thirteen. There's a weird pedophilic aspect to it, a socially-accepted sexualization of girls (a la Lolita). I guess it's to be expected from a society that idealises youth, and another way that we set up ourselves for disappointment. We're going to get older, and no amount of Botox will change that. The longer we believe that we must be young to be perfect, the longer we will be unhappy.

[begin tangent] Let's talk about politics, specifically the politics of same gender relationships. I understand why this is the rallying point for conservative politicians to energize their base ("fags and flags," "guns, god, and gays," damn it it's so predictable). I mean, what do they have to show for the environment? The growing gap between the rich and the poor? Our failing schools? Out of control health care costs? Our dependence on foreign energy sources, and fossil fuels in general? N.O.T.H.I.N.G. Combine this with the fact that most conservative men are homophobes, and it's easy to see why homosexuals are the punching bag of the moment.

Now, a friend of mine has a theory: all homophobes are misogynists, and perhaps some men are homophobes because they're misogynist. In a same-sex relationship, who "plays" the man's role? The women's role? How many gay couples do you know? Out of all the gay couples I know, no one plays a traditional gender role (this includes gay and lesbian couples with children). They have an equal balance of power in their relationships. This is a terrifying thought for a misogynist, who believes that his woman is an object.

I also think there's the supposedly feminizing element of homosexuality. In anal sex, someone has to "take it," or assume the role traditionally assigned to the female. For insecure men, this threat to their masculinity can result in the "get away from me, fag" attitude, as the insecure man is worried that being around gay men will damage his masculinity. [/end tangent]

What does this have to do with eating disorders? I hear so many woman say that they want to be small so that someone (their parents? their boyfriends?) will take care of them and will protect them. Eating disorders are a way to stay small, figuratively and literally. They are a way of saying, "I don't matter, and I'm not worthy to make decisions about this that affect me. You take care of it." It's a way of abdicating power.

Let's wrap this up. Do I think that there is a relationship between media and eating disorders? Yes, but I think the issue is more our culture in general, which convinces us that we need something we will never be able to have--perfection. As long as we're willing to buy into that ideal, we'll keep buying.

So if I think I've got it all figured out, why do I still have an eating disorder? That will need to be a separate post!

If you've made it to the end of this discourse, you're a brave soul. My writing us usually much more coherent. This was a free-write/ free-association piece. Write me some hate mail, or leave a comment.

I love Monique

2006-06-06T17:24:00.000-04:00

She is my ideal.

Monique Olsen @ Anna Molinari spring/ summer 06

Don't know what show this is:
And this is just so beautiful. This girl should get tons of work. That way, I can keep gawking at her.

Today was ok, besides the fact that it was one of those 16 hour days. I'm exhausted. I don't have an exact count for today. Damn it. Let's say 1500. I'm sure it was less than that, based on the fact that I never really stopped to eat today, but I like to err on the safe side. If I had the energy and brain power to count, I would make a real tally, but 1500 will have to do for now.

And finally...

2006-06-05T23:05:00.000-04:00

Ok, I figured out the identity of the gal from April 24. Her name is Susan Eldridge. Strangely enough, I don't like other photos of her that I've seen. The Lolita one from the 24th is rad, though.

So, in case you can't tell, I've been doing some major re-organization, updates, and adding new content. At this point, I've got basically everyone labeled, so there won't be many more "Who is this?" posts.

On to our feature for the day... let's do another Lohan photo.

Her upper body looks good here. I don't know what's going on with her lower belly, though. Maybe it's just the way she's standing. I remember when I could get my hand around my upper arm. Sometimes I grab my arm to remind myself just how bad things have gotten.

Whoops again & boobs

2006-06-04T22:42:00.000-04:00

Damn. I just figured out that the entry from May 10 isn't Monique Olsen... it's actually Jeisa Chiminazzo. Oh well. I'll blame it on the fact that she's hiding under a hat, and I love both of them anyway.

Here's another shot of Jeisa in that outfit from that show:

Yup. Definitely her. To make up for the fact that I screwed up, here's another one of her:

Yes, those breasts are real. SUPPOSEDLY (and I put that in caps because there's a good chance that this is bullsh*t) her breasts are the reason that she SUPPOSEDLY has an ED... they're too big.

I can sympathize, except for the being a 5'10'' Brazilian millionaire model. Since I switched birth control methods, my boobs have gotten enormous... for me. I'm a very full B-cup. Used to be a small B/ large A. Used to actually want a bigger chest. No more. I want these things gone... or at least back to their old size. When you're flat, it automatically makes you look thinner.

On the bright side, I have definitely lost a pound. I use the scale at the gym, but I never assume that I've lost/ gained until I see a similar number at least three days in a row. One pound is conservative, it might be two. But to err on the safe side, I'll go with a pound.

On the crappy side, I went out for lunch with my friend today. Yay for friends, boo for restaurant food. I have no idea how many calories was in what I ate, which bugs me. I'm trying to focus on the positive, though, which was seeing my friend before she moves away.

Both Olsens & Whoops

2006-06-03T16:53:00.000-04:00

Damn it. I just realized that my posts from April 20 and May 26 featured the same photos. Today will be a double-header, then.

Get it? There are two of them.
Ok, that's just too cheesy. Here's the other one... a well-known shot, and rightfully so.

If I love Maria Dvirnik's legs, then I love MK Olsen's arms. Or, the arms that she used to have. She's gained since then... which is a good thing, you know, so she doesn't die and stuff. Her fashion sense has gone waaaaay downhill at the same time, unfortunately.

I posted still more back entries. Now I'm into March... which is funny, cause I didn't actually start this blog until some time during April. Gotta clean out my Picasa database, though!

FINALLY, I created a new section called the "HALL OF SHAME," for all of the photoshopped pictures I've come across. Tracking down the real photos was a bitch, but since I have no life, it was fun--good way to pass the time.

Why 1800?

2006-06-02T17:39:00.000-04:00

Ok, so some smart ass wants to know why I'm doing 1800 calories per day. "Isn't that a little high for an 'ana'?"

Let me begin by saying that the term is anorexia nervosa, which I don't have (it's ED-NOS for me), so why the hell are you calling it some cutsie name like it's a f*cking Chihuahua? Go do your homework, brat.

So, why 1800? In my opinion, that number is too high and I wish I could go lower. Three out of four days, I don't hit it anyway. On some of those fourth days, I purposely force myself to go above it so my metabolism doesn't get too screwed up. In addition, if I let myself go beyond that, then I'll go way beyond that. EDs are black and white. Starve or binge, you pick. The middle way that I'm trying to live is fear and anxiety, carefully toeing the line and praying that I don't lose your balance and slip one way or the other.

I don't go lower because, unlike most of you whiny little middle class white girls who live off Daddy's allowance, I don't have anything to fall back on. If my boyfriend suspects something, if I get busted, if I get sick, if I need to go IP (inpatient), the game is over. I'd lose my job, I'd lose the little respect that I've gained in my community and in my profession, and likely I'd lose my relationship with my boyfriend not directly over this ED shit, but because of the fall-out.

The bottom line: to keep things from totally falling apart.

-------------------------------

I'm considering dropping to 1600 cals per day, though. That's not so low, and it's basically what people on diets do. Perhaps I would be less anxious at that number. Thoughts?

Maria Dvirnik & other crap

2006-06-02T09:04:00.000-04:00

So today I was super bored, so I added lots of back posts to this blog. I've got tons of stuff to post... actually, I calculated it: I have 1,894 photos on my harddrive. Not including the ones that I've already posted, that's one per day for the next five years. I am such a loser. Or I'm just someone who's had an ED for half her life.

The other thing that I did was get my diet & exercise calendar online. Now you can restrict along with me (and that was a sick joke). Check it out: Cascata's Diet & Exercise Calendar.

The outdoor event yesterday went well. It has stopped raining by the time everything started... mostly. I had to bike there, though, so my ass got totally soaked and dirty. Then, it started pouring as soon as the thing ended, and I had to bike home in the rain. At least it was dry for the event itself.

Ok, let's get onto today's feature. Her name is Maria Dvirnik.

She's a Canadian of Ukranian descent. I think she's about seventeen at this point (her birthday is in '88, so she could be 18). She's 5'11' and her measurements are 32'' - 23'' - 34.5'' which is basically like HOLY SHIT. She looks awesome in print and on the runway. I love her legs. They are the perfect shape. Her arms aren't bad, but it's really her legs that I wish I had.

Gemma

2006-06-01T17:30:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling lazy today... actually, just really tired. Plus I'm supposed to be at an outdoor event for two hours this evening, and it's RAINING. Blah.

Here's a gorgeous photo of Gemma Ward:

Check out those collarbones and shoulders.

Manipulation

2006-05-31T15:58:00.000-04:00

That's a pretty sick girl, right? She totally shouldn't be modeling, right? I mean, she totally needs to eat a cheesburger.

Those three sentences may be true, but the photograph they describe isn't. Here is the real photo:

Again, it's Colette Pechekhonova. This time, I came across the fake photo first, and then went searching for the real photo. Why are her photos so popular for manipulation? Well, it is easier to make a skinny person even skinnier than to make a normal or heavy person skinny. Less changing of the body shape itself (just shrinking). Drawing on ribs is easy.

This is one reason why I love runway shots... they might be touched up, perhaps airbrushed a bit, but beyond that, what you see is what you get.

--------------------------------------------

Here are a few REAL photos for today. The subject is Johanna Stickland, an up-and-coming model. These are polaroids--no retouching at all. She's very pretty, and I love her ironic last name.

Coat hanger!

2006-05-30T17:13:00.000-04:00

I thought this was funny... At least she knows her place in the world!

Classic

2006-05-30T16:26:00.000-04:00

Classic. Can't say much beyond that. Well, one can also say that she's incredibly tiny.

In other news, things are going ok. I have been super good about getting to the gym. The gym has air conditioning; our apartment does not. Eating has been so-so, has been better but definitely has been worse. When it's this hot and humid, I have no desire to eat, so that helps keep things down (in more ways than one). I'm thinking of adding another section, a calendar, to this blog. On the calendar I would track my intake, exercise, & other goals... not that anyone out there cares, but it helps keep me on track if I believe that someone out there thinks that I'm a pig.

Ideals don't exist

2006-05-29T14:24:00.000-04:00

I was wasting time on the computer on this hot, sticky Memorial Day afternoon when I came across this photo:

The proverbial light bulb went off in my brain. There is this one photo that is always featured on pro-ana sites of this model from this show. Here's the photo:

I'd seen the photo before. The first time, I didn't look closely. At some point, I heard that the photo was fake, but it didn't occur to me HOW fake until I saw another picture of Colette from the same show. Now that I look at the fake photo, I see how the space between her upper arm and her torso is CLEARLY colored in... also, the photoshopping around her elbow is really obvious... whoever did this did a terrible job. If you're not looking for the forgery, though, you won't notice it.

Oh, and the model's name is Colette Pechekhonova. Apparently, she was really big in the late 90's. There were rumors that she had an ED, but like all rumors, no one knows if they're true.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Believe nothing you hear and only half of what you see. At some point, I'll write out my thoughts about photoshopping, feminism, and consumerism... it's too hot to do that this afternoon.

Becks (no, not that one)

2006-05-28T07:27:00.000-04:00

Not Victoria Beckham. That's too scary.

Kate Beckinsale. I'm sure I'm spelling her name wrong.

I know for a fact that she isn't this tiny any more, as she has children at this point. Even though I don't think I could deal with my body being pregnant, I think it's one of the few legitimate excuses for gaining weight. Like, if a woman is out of shape because she just gave birth, I don't find that disgusting, whereas heavy women who eat McDonald's really upset me (I know, I'm sorry, but it's the truth).

Lovely! I'm pretty jealous... what else is new.

Jeisa again

2006-05-27T02:38:00.000-04:00

Jeisa is amazing. Everything a designer puts on her looks great. Wish I had that characteristic... I hate finding clothes that I like.

Amazingly enough, though, I actually found a bathing suit that I like. Is that not the craziest thing you've ever heard? It's covering enough that I don't feel like having a panic attack, but sexy enough that I don't look like a 90 year old great-grandmother.

Sweet abs

2006-05-26T23:19:00.000-04:00

Daria Werbowy for Roberto Cavalli, Spring 05. She's got a really awesome stomach. Also, I appreciate the fact that her hipbones stick out... mine start sticking out before my stomach is even very flat. It's the curse of the large pelvis.

Natalie Portman

2006-05-25T16:50:00.000-04:00

Natalie Portman is awesome. Intelligent, pretty, and small. I thought she was ok in the Star Wars movies... she did the best she could with what she had. I actually thought she was terrible in Garden State, but I'm a Jersey girl, so I can smell a fake ten miles away.

She looks pretty young in this picture. Wonder how old.

Lithuania!

2006-05-25T16:22:00.000-04:00

This is Dovile Virsilaite (right) with Jaunel McKenzie at Derek Lam, Fall 05. I like her because her last name is Lithuanian... and one of my ancestors was from Lithuania. So I'm proud that I can recognize a Lithuanian last name. Also, she basically has no butt.

Ugh, I have other stuff to write about, but boyfriend just got home. Gotta run.

Kate's Gorgeous Dresses

2006-05-24T17:17:00.000-04:00

Very pretty, considering her mother is Goldie Hawn (who looks scary). Kate Hudson was looking really thin a while back, much thinner than this. Her upper body is great. She's got a small bust, which automatically makes her look slimmer.
Plus, her wardrobe ROCKS. I love these two dresses. I don't have the figure to pull it off, though :-/

How's that for sick.

2006-05-23T17:14:00.000-04:00

How's that for an incredibly disturbing "I can't believe that image doesn't have something to do with an ED" image? It's exactly how I feel today. You know, the worst part about going downhill is wondering how far you'll go until you manage to stop. (I'm pretty sure I have the source for that photo around here... I could dig it out, or I could go hide under the covers. Guess which one I pick).

Let's end with a nicer one of Jeisa, because she's one of the best models out there today and because I need to cheer myself up.

Sources, yeah

2006-05-22T00:24:00.000-04:00

This is Carolina Sippel Ferriera for Luella Bartley Spring/ Summer 2006 ready to wear. The source is www.thefashionspot.com. Damn, I'm getting good... ID'ing the model, the collection, and the source. [smirk] Too bad I don't apply myself to, say, things that actually matter.

In other news, things have been shitty. Work, home, and myself. And I keep singing "Elizabeth on the Bathroom Floor" by the Eels... "My life is shit and piss."

Wow, I'm happy this morning (12:21 am, and I need to go to work this morning @ 8.30 am).

Maybe there's hope, after all...

2006-05-21T16:31:00.000-04:00

On the right, LiLo in the summer of '04. On the left, LiLo in the summer of '05.

Hey, if Lindsay Lohan can do it, so can I. 'Specially 'cause I done it before. What am I saying. Damn slippery slope I'm on...

MK

2006-05-20T02:45:00.000-04:00

A well-known MK photo. I'm too tired to post anything good today. Good for her for getting help... if it helped at all. Helped her career, at least.

Sara Ziff

2006-05-19T21:48:00.000-04:00

So All-American. She makes me think of a gal from Kansas, like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.

She's got really great abs. She looks a little tired in this photo. Getting abs like that is certainly tiring. She has no fat under her belly-button. No matter how much I lose, I always have a little pad of fat there, even though I'll have hipbones sticking out to China. At times (when I'm really messed up), I'll have dreams about abs like those. **shrugs** Yeah, it's f*cked up, what about it?

Ines Crnokrak

2006-05-18T21:46:00.000-04:00

I think that Ines is delightful. Her legs are perfect. Plus, she's really a cutie-pie.

Rachel Bilson

2006-05-17T19:35:00.000-04:00

Rachel Bilson is pretty tiny. Pretty and tiny, actually.

Lovely Caroline Trentini

2006-05-16T21:44:00.000-04:00

My favorite photo of Caroline Trentini. She is just beautiful. Nice hipbones, waist, and shoulders, too.

La Lohan

2006-05-15T23:50:00.000-04:00

La Lohan was looking good for a while. Not that she ever looked bad... well, the orange tan is always bad.

Ok, so in reality, maybe she didn't look that great before. In my sick, sick opinion. I think she's gained since the photo above, though (somehow that makes me feel better - ?).

Solange Wilvert

2006-05-14T11:59:00.000-04:00

Yet another Brazilian. I think I like the Brazilians best :-P If you agree, check out madeinbrazil.typepad.com.
Solange Wilvert from Allure, December 2005:

Dancers, dancers

2006-05-13T23:57:00.000-04:00

I used to be a dancer. I was really serious about it, too. Sometimes I wonder how my life would have been different if I had followed my dream. I bet I wouldn't be as chubby as I am right now. I'd probably also have osteoarthritis and I'd need a hip replacement in a few years... but you'd be surprised (and disgusted) at what some people would give up for their ED.

Dancers will always be a HUGE trigger for me. I can always pick out a dancer walking down the street. There's just something about the carriage of the head, the gait...

Yeah, things would have been different. It's not healthy to dwell on past decisions, I guess.

Nice.

2006-05-12T11:58:00.000-04:00

Nice legs. Nice arms. Nice waist. Nice elbows. And especially nice cheekbones.
(Emina Cunmulaj)

sigh it's Monique Olsen :-)

2006-05-11T16:23:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I couldn't remember her name. She's Brazilian, she's YOUNG (if I remember correctly, fifteen or sixteen), and she's PERFECT.

Waaaahhhhhh :-(

From Vida Bula Spring 2006:
From Lela Rose Spring 2006:

Blanking...

2006-05-10T09:35:00.000-04:00

This is such a gorgeous picture. Legs. Damn {looks down} both of hers are one of mine. Bleh.

I can't remember who she is. Anyone? I like her--she is unique.

On the subject of weight gain...

2006-05-09T10:21:00.000-04:00

So, on the subject of weight gain / loss, the queen bee is Nicole Richie. Let's just say...

Hoo. Lee. Shit. I still don't find her attractive, but she's 1,000,000,000 times better at this low weight than her high weight. I heard a rumor that she actually confessed to an ED. Anyone know?

And since this is a blog of skinny pics, here is one that drives me nuts:

Nice non-existent arms, gal pal.

Jessica, eh to uh-uh

2006-05-08T10:10:00.000-04:00

I've never been a fan of Jessica Simpson. Maybe it's her nose, maybe it's her creepy father, maybe it's because she left her husband (who seems like a decent guy, well, more decent than most actors/ famous people). I must admit that she was looking ok around the beginning of the year. Here is a pic from the 2005 MTV music awards:
Now, not so much.
This is a good lesson for me... I wish I was as small as I used to be :-(

Ah, MK

2006-05-07T20:29:00.000-04:00

MK Olsen is absolutely famous in the ED world... well, guess she's famous in the non-ED world, too ;-)
This has always been my favorite picture of her. She's got the duck lips going on, but not too badly. Her arm is just so tiny, and her eyes are so big. I would cut off my arm to have an arm like that. Wait... that doesn't make sense...

Change things up...

2006-05-06T14:55:00.000-04:00

Ok, today let's do a non-model.

I remember watching Svetlana Khorkina compete in the Summer 2004 Olympics, and being like, "Holy Sh*t." She is insanely thin (she's tall, for a gymnast, so she looks even more slender). She also runs like a bearded dragon (yeah, I can't explain that one).

Follow-up, and one more!

2006-05-05T11:34:00.000-04:00

As promised, here is a photo of Natalia Vodianova with her son and husband. All together now:

AWWW!!!!

Apparently she gave birth to her son, Lucas, when she was 20, at the end of 2001. Interestingly enough, she is only four months older than me (look up her age and you can figure out how old I am :-)

Since today is officially "Unofficial Natalia Vodianova Day," here's one more photo, our photo of the day. Uh oh, I'm getting sleepy.
Legs to DIE for.

One of my favorite models

2006-05-04T00:25:00.000-04:00

Natalia Vodianova has got to be one of the most beautiful models out there. Can you believe this woman has a kid? In her case, I think it might actually be "good genes," as most agents claim. I think this photo is older, before she became a mother. I'll see if I can find a photo of her and her son.

The only beautiful actress in Hollywood

2006-05-03T20:44:00.000-04:00

Jessica Alba is the only beautiful actress in Hollywood today. She has a perfect face and a perfect figure. If I could look like any actress, it would be her. I look like sh*t when I have bones sticking out everywhere. I would love to just be tiny, like she is, but not bony.

One more... from the Oscars this year:

A new face

2006-05-02T20:22:00.000-04:00

I just discovered this model. She is Cecilia Mendez, an Argentinian. I love dark hair!
And because I like her so much, here's another one:

some day...

Perfect legs.

2006-05-01T16:37:00.000-04:00

Valentina Zelyaeva.

Maria Carla

2006-04-30T17:54:00.000-04:00

Maria Carla Boscono. A good Italian woman. Serious kick-ass happening right there.
In other news, Good Lord. Hello, non-existent torso, nice to meet you.
She has recently (well, in the past 6 months or so!) chopped off all of her hair. I'm not a fan. Makes her look too man-ish.

Jeisa Chiminazzo

2006-04-29T19:23:00.000-04:00

Jeisa Chiminazzo. She's Brazilian. If I remember correctly, this was an editorial from Marie Claire (?). Supposedly she has an ED. She has a perfect body {sigh}. So jealous.

Little Vlada

2006-04-28T11:28:00.000-04:00

Vlada Roslyakova. So insanely tiny.

Alien?

2006-04-27T07:32:00.000-04:00

Gemma Ward looks like an alien. A really skinny, beautiful alien.

Not photoshopped

2006-04-26T11:38:00.000-04:00

Seriously, it's not photoshopped. Damn it... why don't I record my sources?!? I found it somewhere legit (style.com, perhaps?). I don't know if I would want to go this far. Well, that's b*ll sh*t. Once I got down there, I would want to keep going.

Sasha, right?

2006-04-25T09:41:00.000-04:00

This is Sasha Pivovarova, right? I want her legs {steals}.

Caroline Trentini is perfect...

2006-04-24T09:36:00.000-04:00

...and for that, I hate her.

Vlada, 1/6 of a person

2006-04-23T22:52:00.000-04:00

Vlada Roslyakova. I double-checked. She doesn't actually exist.

So. F*cking. Insanely. Thin. {groan} So jealous...

Another damn Brazilian

2006-04-22T21:21:00.000-04:00

What the hell is it with Brazil and beautiful, thin women? Huh?

Flavia De Oliveira. Check out her legs:

I try to minimize the "oh, woe is me" talk... but I feel gross. I would die to have those legs. (loses appetite)

Who is this?

2006-04-21T11:55:00.000-04:00

Theoretically, if I went over to www.supermodels.nl, I would be able to figure out who this model is. Instead, I think I'll stare at her ridiculously flat stomach.

I think she is Brazilian (good Lord, what model isn't?).

!!!

2006-04-20T21:31:00.000-04:00

Sweet Jesus. I hadn't seen these from Spring/ Summer 2005... It's Daria Werbowy at Roberto Cavalli. Shit! Look at those abs! 8-O

Skinny Pics

...And She Lived Happily Ever After

It's been a while...

My favorite

Quickie

Three things

Out of control

I'm hungry; I'll drink green tea

Oh rainy day

No gym?

More skinny pics!

"And after a week of fighting...

Vlada... blada

A dark place

No Subject

Ooops.

No Subject, at all

Nothing new

I made myself something!

Exhausted

Head hurts

Some updates...

Ow.

Genius idea

100th post!!

Back on track!

So tired + Zhang Ziyi

No time!

Keira

Random runway

Some legs...

Trigger

It's been a while...

Explanation

Everything is blah

HOT

TGIF

Holy F*ck!

Bikinis

Eyebrows

Ted Leo, Have My Babies

Announcements!

Legs legs legs

Hecho a mano

Bummer = sorry

Photoshop 101

Blasphemy

Retouch, please

Attitude!

On Breasts, Botox, and Big Macs

I love Monique

And finally...

Whoops again & boobs

Both Olsens & Whoops

Why 1800?

Maria Dvirnik & other crap

Gemma

Manipulation

Coat hanger!

Classic

Ideals don't exist

Becks (no, not that one)

Jeisa again

Sweet abs

Natalie Portman

Lithuania!

Kate's Gorgeous Dresses

How's that for sick.

Sources, yeah

Maybe there's hope, after all...

MK

Sara Ziff

Ines Crnokrak

Rachel Bilson

Lovely Caroline Trentini

La Lohan

Solange Wilvert

Dancers, dancers

Nice.

*sigh* it's Monique Olsen :-)

sigh it's Monique Olsen :-)