Oh rainy day

Not "Oh Happy Day," "Oh Rainy Day." We've got the remnants of Tropical Whatever Ernesto sitting right above us at the moment, and it's raining like the Ark is going to make a comeback. Of course, my motivation to go to the gym is seriously dampened by the rain (pun intended). I hate rainy days.

This morning, I made a food journal, and I'd like to share it with you-all. It's got space for everything that I need (intake, activities, progress toward goal), but I decided to throw in a few extra things, namely a list of resources and a space for motivation. Write in a triggering quote, something that happened that motivated you, paste a photo that inspires you, whatever. The point is that you should spend some time on the journal every day 1) to keep yourself motivated and 2) to keep yourself out of the kitchen.

I'd really appreciate feedback on it... are there things that you'd like to see added? Taken away?

Oh, and before I forget, here's the link. I'm going to keep all of the downloads together from now on (so this means Cascata's Kitchen: The ED Cookbook, the food journal, and whatever else I cook up... God, my puns are terrible... or buns... because I haven't lifted my legs in a while... oh I'm such a nut case!).

On to today's photos! The lovely Iselin Stiero has the BEST legs in the business. I could drool over them all day long.

Nice stomach, no? I bet you can see veins... gross, but triggering...

And here she is at Chloe for Spring 2006...

I haven't been lifting at the gym, just cardio, but she may have changed my mind about that plan...

No gym?

I need someone to tell me to get my ass to the gym today. Oh wait, I can just listen to the nagging in my head.

Elena Sudakova is a former rhythmic gymnast and current model. She has one of those long, twisty, flexi-bendy bodies.

From her thread at TheFashionSpot...

From Supermodels.nl....

And finally, a photo of her from her gymnast days.

P.S. I've lost two pounds... I have exactly nineteen to my goal weight. My FINAL goal weight... yeah right, until I get there and decide that another five won't hurt.

More skinny pics!

Hey! I just uploaded about another 200 pics... Check 'em out.

"And after a week of fighting...

...more and more, it seems the right thing."

"Do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it!"

--Me and Mia, by Ted Leo & The Pharmacists

That's an awesome song. Right now, I'm feeling the first verse up there (And after a week of fighting/ more and more, it seems the right thing) to be quite profound. It's true. When you restrict after a period of binging, it's only the first few days that are difficult. You need to keep that in mind. If you can make it through just the first week or even five days, you're set. You're back.

I haven't mentioned MK in a while. She is just as thin now as she was when she had an "eating disorder." I don't have any recent photos; well, I do, but I haven't filed them on my computer yet.

Anyway, I've always loved this somewhat rare photo. Look at her arm! Look at Ashley's flat front! She has no boobs, her waist is so small, she's like a board. Such a triggering image.
Ah, and then there's this pic. One of my favorites. Look at her arm... I would seriously do very bad things in order to get arms like that.

And here's one more of her looking cute.

I have to say, even though she's still very thin, she's no longer a trigger. She dresses to make herself look unattractive... she's just not edgy enough to pull off the look that she's going for. She's Michelle Tanner, for crying out loud.

Off to therapy session... did you know that my counselor doesn't know about the ED? Isn't that hilarous? I haven't found a way to bring it up... "So, you know how I'm bipolar? Well, that's not even the worst part..."

Vlada... blada

Today was a good day. I had a long talk with an old high school friend of mine. It took my mind off everything. Then, I went to the gym and did forty-five minutes of good, hard cardio. I smell like armpits now :-P Also, my stomach isn't bothering me. Finally, my boyfriend and I decided that tonight should be a "veg out" night, so I actually have time to make a post!

I was at supermodels.nl, and I noticed that a whole BUNCH of the photos of Vlada Roslyakova (a model, obviously) were 'shopped to make her look thinner than she is. I wasted mucho mucho time finding all of the ones that could be possibly fake, then wasted even more time tracking down the originals and proving them true or false. It's absolutely freakish that she is so thin in some of her REAL photos that she actually looks photoshopped! I've collected them all on a separate website here. Put your cursor over the image to see the original (the side-by-side comparison of The Hall of Shame doesn't work, because a lot of the enhancements are very subtle).

Here are a few real photos of Vlada:

A dark place

The last two weeks have not been good to me.

I had been having random binges since about the Fourth of July weekend. My weight was ok, but then suddenly around the beginning of August, I put on about 8 pounds seemingly overnight.

On Wednesday, August 16, I started bleeding. I went to Planned Parenthood (because usually I don't get a period), did a blood test, and I found out I had a miscarriage. I was probably about seven weeks pregnant.

So, right now I'm doing ok, considering the circumstances. I have an IUD, so it's not like I could have safely carried the kid anyway... it's probably the reason that it happened. Still, I'm shaken. What if the ED had something to do with it?

I'm probably going to erase this entry, because I'm not ready to deal with this... I just wanted to post an explanation for why I haven't posted in two weeks. I could really use a hug... comments on this post would be great.

[wanders off to cry for a while]

No Subject

How am I doing today? I am doing sucky. Yesterday I burned 600 calories at the gym, today I didn't go at all. I am seeing my family in three days, and they're going to notice that I gained weight, which is 1,000,000 times worse than them noticing that I've lost.

At least I haven't binged in two days. Gotta start somewhere. Also, I still haven't started purging, and I do feel proud of that. Once you start purging, it's next to impossible to stop. The thing that cured it for me was moving in with my boyfriend into a two room apartment... no where to binge, no where to purge. Our apartment is bigger and I have more privacy now, but I still haven't started, and I'm happy about that.

Emina Cunmulaj for Micheal Kors Resort 2007

P.S. Someone wanted to know if my hit counter was accurate. I've got somewhere over 6,000 page loads, BUT the counter monitors the number of UNIQUE VISITORS, not the number of PAGE LOADS. I consider counting the number of page loads to be cheating... there was this one (really crappy) site I was on, everytime I clicked on a page and then returned to the home page, I noticed the hit count go up. It drove me crazy to think that I was making the (really crappy) site look more popular than it actually is. I haven't gone back there.

So, there's my random rant for the day!

Ooops.

I binged today. It's just so hard to stay on track when you're exhausted. I'm going to write up a set of resolutions, and I'm going to do one until I master it, then another until I master it, and so on. The first one will be getting my ass into bed on time. When I'm tired, it's like my body is on auto-pilot... I literally am not at the wheel.

Let's see someone beautiful today. Colette Pechekhonova. She was featured on a lot of the old-school sites. I heard a rumor that she left modeling for treatment for an ED. She's great for reminding me that I'll never be beautiful. [kicks self in ass] and there's nothing I hate more than self-pity.

And this one is from Vogue Deutsch, May of 2001.


P.S. The other day, I forgot to say that I added a few new finds to the Hall of Shame. So, there I said it.

No Subject, at all

Today's random photo is Maria Carla Boscono.

I'm on a model kick these days.

I have my first therapist appointment today. I don't know how it will go. She doesn't know about my ED. I don't think I'm going to tell her... yet... if at all.

Nothing new

Things are going ok today. I got a lot of work done at work, which is good. My brain had been feeling sluggish for a while, but with enough caffeine, anything is possible.

And it SO bothers me that the "e" goes before the "i" in "caffeine." Why am I such a freak?

Caitriona Balfe is not a freak. She's gorgeous. I adore her arms. My arms used to be really small, except for this little blub that sits at the top of my inner upper arm. It's one of those bizarre places that my body tries to store fat (like I won't find it there or anything, ). The others are right below my belly button and the insides of my knees.

Anyway, here she is:

Later!

I made myself something!

I've never been into the red bracelet idea. I never wear red, so it would clash like get-out, and I'd never want to wear it.

On a whim, I went to Micheal's and got some really pretty clear glass beads and made myself a purity bracelet. It serves the function of a red bracelet--to remind myself to stay pure.

Isn't it purdy? I really like it.

And here is today's entry. It's the first one I saw when I scrolled through Picasa. It'll do. I don't have the time to really search out something fantastic. Come to think of it, I really haven't had the time in a while. Oh well. Busy = not binging.

(Hana S.)

P.S. Something cool happened yesterday... I was wandering around the web, and I saw that someone had posted a photo from my photobucket site. It was a little bizarre.

Exhausted

I am so friggin' tired today, I don't know what to write. I was gone this past weekend for a family function at the in-laws. As usual, I unconsciously gave myself "permission" to undo all of the hard work I had done over the past several weeks.

Today I got home from work and had a huge cookie, the kind that are actually two servings. 460 calories. Yes, I'm going to the gym tonight.

I apologize that I'm not coherent enough to write a proper entry. Maybe later tonight. After I hit "publish post," I'm off to bed for a nap.

(Shalom Harlow)

Head hurts

I have a ridiculous head ache this morning. Maybe it's from the heat, maybe it's from the restricting, who knows.

Last night I almost binged... but I stopped myself! I really really wanted to, but 1) I haven't purged in, wow, like two years, and 2) my boyfriend was home so I couldn't purge even if I wanted to. I stopped myself after 300 calories (2 servings of tortilla chips and salsa). Before that, I had an ear of corn... but that was legit, because it was dinner. My total intake for the day was still pretty low.

Unfortunately, I didn't go to the gym, but every time I stepped out of the air conditioned study, I wanted to die. Today is supposed to be just as hot.

So, here I sit in bed, waiting for this damn headache to go away. Bleh. For once, I'd rather be at work. [stops and thinks] No, that's not true.

Kate Bosworth is damn skinny. Like, DAMN skinny. It's hilarous how people with EDs can often pick out other people with EDs... the concensus on her is that she has a problem. From one of the Superman events:

Look. At. Her. Legs.

P.S. Cookbook is almost done. Yay! Except now I keep tweaking it, making it better, etc. I could keep doing that for months, so eventually I'm going to have to cut myself off.

Some updates...

I added a few more photos to the Hall of Shame. Check it out.

I also added a new photo album to the Wicked Skinny Pics Photobucket. Don't get too excited; once I categorize the photos, I'm going to move them all around to their proper places. But they're there, for now at least. I don't know when I'll get the time to organize them.

I also changed the footer in this template. Now it's all neat and uniform, just the way I like it. Not that you care about that.

P.S. Don't forget to read Why I Have an ED.

Ow.

Cascata's Kitchen Cookbook is in the works. I hope to finish it this week.

I had too much to eat for dinner, and now my stomach HURRRTS. Probably 400 calories in one sitting. I feel like shit. As soon as this stomach ache wears off, I'm going to the gym.

Here are the photos for the day. Adina Fohlin. A.K.A. death on the runway.


I personally think she has an awesome body.

Genius idea

I had the genius idea to write an ED cookbook. Smart, no? It will be nice to have a list of all of my safe foods and safe recipes in one place. I'm big on organization like that. I'll share it with y'all when it's all done.

I'm way confused by my new scale. It says that my body fat % is 16%, and I know that's not true. What I'm really interested in is watching the number go down, but I want to know what the real number is, as well. We'll see. I might bring it back.

Snejana says "hi."

"What's up." (At Anna Sui, S/S 2006)


"I'm a skinny bitch."

100th post!!

In honor of the 100th post on this blog, I bought myself a digital scale with a body fat analyzer. It was the one rated highest by consumer reports, but I can tell already that it is underestimating measurements (for example, it says that I weight about 3 lbs less than I think I do, and my bf% is about 6-7% less than what I think it is). That doesn't matter too much, though, because the readings will be consistent, so I can see how I'm losing (and hopefully not gaining!).

In other awesome news, I figured out how to make lemon yoghurt popsicles that are SO good, just as good as ice cream, and they're only 75 cals. Because they're so cold, you have to eat them slowly, so it's highly unlikely that I would binge on them. Whooot!

I need to wake my bf up from his nap in a few minutes... then it's off to the gym!

Inguna Butane. I forget the show. Fall 2005 season. I want her ass (in a totally non-sexual way!).

Back on track!

I weighed myself at the gym today. It was no better and no worse than I expected. A five pound gain over the course of exactly a month. I'm a stupid fuck-up for letting it happen, but I know I can lose it. I want it to be gone by next weekend when there is a big family gathering on my boyfriend's side of the family, but I know that even if the scale says it's gone, it's only water weight. The next goal time is when some of my extended family visits in late August, and I'll see them the weekend of the 19th. It's totally reasonable to lose the weight (plus a little bit) by then.

I've found that having deadlines really helps to keep me in line. Deadlines that involve photos being taken are even better. I love photography; well, I love taking photos. I'm less happy about having my photo taken. If I'm going to have my picture taken, I damn well better look good. And looking good involves being thin.

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In other ED news, I'm thinking of re-starting my ED journal. It's actually a little box with index cards in it. The cards are sorted by food journal, exercise log, inspiration, etc. At first I used a notebook, but not being able to re-order or re-sort the pages really drove me nuts. Using an index card box takes care of that. Yet I have all of my photo inspiration online, in my computer, and I have this blog for a journal. I don't like the idea of having the two separate projects going. I'm weird with stuff like that. Everything has to be COMPLETE and ORGANIZED. That probably means that I'll continue to use the online format, probably expanding the content.

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On to the photo for the day. Avril Lavigne recently got married. I hope that she and her husband are very happy together, and that their marriage can endure in spite of the difficulties of maintaining a life in the public eye. She used to be a tomboy, but she has really blossomed into a beautiful young woman.

A very small beautiful young woman.

So tired + Zhang Ziyi

This has been one of the busiest weeks ever. I actually have the desire to do more with this site, but I literally don't have enough time to eat or shower, so that sort of precludes expanding the site ;-)

For today, here is a teeny-tiny Asian actress, Zhang Ziyi. I think she was in 2046 as well as Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. No fair how small Asian women are.

No time!

I'm really short on time today, so this will be a quick post!

I hope I haven't used this image before. I have no idea who she is. I've had this photo on my computer since my college years, probably at least four years ago. Her upper thighs and butt are perfect.

EDIT: Blogger is being a total bitch... I'll post the photo when I get back from class. Grrrrr.

EDIT AGAIN: Here it is.