Why 1800?

Ok, so some smart ass wants to know why I'm doing 1800 calories per day. "Isn't that a little high for an 'ana'?"

Let me begin by saying that the term is anorexia nervosa, which I don't have (it's ED-NOS for me), so why the hell are you calling it some cutsie name like it's a f*cking Chihuahua? Go do your homework, brat.

So, why 1800? In my opinion, that number is too high and I wish I could go lower. Three out of four days, I don't hit it anyway. On some of those fourth days, I purposely force myself to go above it so my metabolism doesn't get too screwed up. In addition, if I let myself go beyond that, then I'll go way beyond that. EDs are black and white. Starve or binge, you pick. The middle way that I'm trying to live is fear and anxiety, carefully toeing the line and praying that I don't lose your balance and slip one way or the other.

I don't go lower because, unlike most of you whiny little middle class white girls who live off Daddy's allowance, I don't have anything to fall back on. If my boyfriend suspects something, if I get busted, if I get sick, if I need to go IP (inpatient), the game is over. I'd lose my job, I'd lose the little respect that I've gained in my community and in my profession, and likely I'd lose my relationship with my boyfriend not directly over this ED shit, but because of the fall-out.

The bottom line: to keep things from totally falling apart.

-------------------------------

I'm considering dropping to 1600 cals per day, though. That's not so low, and it's basically what people on diets do. Perhaps I would be less anxious at that number. Thoughts?